My blogs have been a bit intense and introspective lately. I'm not crazy. I just write from a very different place from which I live my daily life. Some ideas have to dance their way out. Why I do this in a public forum, I'm not sure. But I do hope that somewhere in my written blather, one or two insights bring you a moment of comfort.

Having said that ... I've sketched out my
thoughts from over the past couple weeks.
One more time with feeling, as the singer
would say. Then, time to let it all go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

"The love you feel when you imagine the love you want is the love you are."
Benjamin Smythe

There's something in us that's a mystery.
And "thing" isn't really accurate. That's merely a placeholder.
The mystery makes us uncomfortable.
Some people find it interesting and adventurous.
Others find this uncertainty terribly threatening, like not standing on solid ground.

In the face of the mysterious something, we panic.
To feel better, we break this mystery off,
view it as an object called "fear".

Some internalize this fear/darkness.
Bring on the self-medication: alcohol, drugs, sex, food, etc.

      "There's a darkness inside me. A demon. What's wrong with me?"

Others might externalize the fear.

      "We live in a big bad world that's out to get me. I must hide!"

This causes great misery, pain, disappointment, suffering.
We look for cures to the fear/darkness.
The great search begins.

In our youth, the search may seem playful.
As we get older, the search grows frantic.
The longer we go without finding the answer, the more scared we become.

      "What if there is nothing that will dissipate the internal pain and fear.
      What if nothing will ever come to rescue me from the big bad world."

We've reinforced the creation of this objective "badness".

The search may culminate in personal destruction.
Or you might simply grow tired and resign yourself to mediocrity.

But a lucky few get bitch slapped in the head.
Snap out of it, you're NOT pathetic!
You need to stand in your own 2 shoes.

I always sensed a voice in the back of my head screaming,
YOU"RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!
TURN AROUND!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVVGCpJPbng

This thing that you believe so strongly, is it actually true?
Turn around and really look.
So I did.

I looked that fear/darkness down in the ultimate staring contest.
And what I saw was ... myself.

The mysterious something wasn't fear, it only seemed scary.
It was only scary because that's how I labeled it.
It seemed scary because it was powerful, not because it was bad.
In my youth, I didn't have the personal tools to process what it really was.

WHAT I WAS RUNNING FROM WAS WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR ALL ALONG!

From the beginning...
Beyond all manufactured definitions of who I am, what is left is the truth.
Beyond personality, thoughts, and actions, is this mysterious something.
This mysterious something that I feared and pushed away ... is my true identity.

"The kingdom of heaven is spread upon the earth, and men do not see it."
- Gospel of Thomas

What is this mysterious something?
It's what's real and true.
It's me.
It's you.
It's life.
It's existence.

We don't live life. We are life.
We don't exist. We are existence.

And every single person, in his/her own way, is seeking the very same thing.

We all seek to understand.
Before everything we tell ourselves about what is happening, what IS happening?
Beyond what we think is true, what IS true?
When I'm still, perfectly still, what is this silence that finds me?

We use many words to represent what we cannot define:

Energy = Awareness = God = Soul = Personal power = Inner strength =
Wisdom = Stillness = Silence = Presence = The Great Spirit =
Jesus = Allah = Buddha = Krishna = Life = Existence = Unity =
Universal Consciousness = Brahman = Atman = The All =
Oneness = Suchness = Isness =
Big mind = Big view =
The Higher Self =
Just this.

We use different words based on our perspective, our developmental position.
We see life through filters of beliefs, thoughts, POV.
We experience who we are through who we believe ourselves to be.
We experience Self through the self.

But listen...
The mystery IS who you are.
The moment you recognize that, the struggle ends.
SWEET RELEASE.

Fear was an externalized part of you, broken off.
The realization makes you whole again.
The threat only existed because you denied the truth.
And the truth was with you all along.
There's no way it couldn't be.
"God" is always present.
Tim Tebow isn't wrong,
He's just looking through foggy glasses.

"God" isn't out there.
"God" is You.

STEP ONE: Awakening. Realizing all of the above.
STEP TWO: Enlightenment. Letting go of the small self. No longer seeing through filters.

Old habits die hard.
Even if you get STEP ONE, it takes a lot longer for STEP TWO.
Until then, pain/fear/darkness will still appear.
You may feel weak, with just a hint of true freedom.
You may feel free, with just a hint of unsettled feelings.

Realizing you are life doesn't stop life from happening.
But knowing brings a sense of peace.

YOU HAVE AN IMPORTANT CHOICE...

You can continue to get caught up in the illusion that life is a problem,
and continue to frantically search for a grand solution
(which only brings anxiety and disappointment when answers don't arrive).

Or you can make the choice to stand your ground.
You can choose to embody the mysterious something.
In the end, you're only fooling yourself anyway.
How can you choose not to embody what you always already are?

To paraphrase Stuart Davis...

"Why be afraid of drowning in the water, when in truth the water is what you ARE?"

- - - - - - - - - - -

Adendum for Geeks

I realize I'm one of a dozen people on earth who defends the ending of the most recent incarnation of Battlestar Galactica, but bear with me on this.

If you get a chance, watch/rewatch the final episode of Battlestar Galactica (2009).
Kara Remembers
Galactica's Last Jump
Goodbye Kara Thrace
Last 10 Minutes

Disregard the fact that it's a TV show.
It will never be perfect.
And the Mitochondrial Eve part was unnecessary.

The theme that others miss is that of the "higher self".
Throughout the episode, one by one, each character embraces his/her higher self.
By the end, they're no longer the small selves they had been.
They've been transformed into their higher selves.

"So much life."

But only Kara Thrace (Starbuck) fully lets go of the small self.
She has conquered death.
The physical self disappears when her purpose is complete.

Baltar and Six represent the feminine and masculine aspects of the whole.
They're also used as a dramatic devise
to present the message in the form of a conversation.

You can call it God if you'd like,
but what's real goes far beyond the word that represents it.

I should have known this all along.
"Silly, silly me."